i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
