I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
