Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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