I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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