The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
