when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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