I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
