I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
How external is "for external use only"?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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