he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
