I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
