Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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