so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
