wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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