it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
