First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
just tell him i said nine months
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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