Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Randomize
