so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
