ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I am never drinking with the goths again.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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