i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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