so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
