I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
