Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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