the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
