There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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