I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
my sisters under your porch take her home
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
