Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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