life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
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Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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