god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
