I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
