Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie