I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.