Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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