Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
