Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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