someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
