I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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