The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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