TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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