There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
