I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
