Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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