I have demons in me.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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