Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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