hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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