Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
