First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
