There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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