Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
i think i just lost a toe
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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