he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
