i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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