its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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