if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
