Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
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