Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize