Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
