Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
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So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
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Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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