my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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